____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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