I stole so many things from the ER last night.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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