I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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