If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
