Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
