All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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