they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
