I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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