Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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