just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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