Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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