this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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