My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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