Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
