I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
