My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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