Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
