Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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