I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize