She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
