he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
the liver wants what the liver wants
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
