i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
