YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
