My balls are so social today.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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