non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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