I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
