if i can run in heels then i can drive
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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