there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
