So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My ass is underappreciated
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
