I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
