dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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