im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
