she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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