I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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