I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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