I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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