I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
