woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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