My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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