I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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