Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
