Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
