my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
