sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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