Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize
