I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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