dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
