i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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