I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
