Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I smell like Dick and happiness
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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