remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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