it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize