brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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