he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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