there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize