My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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