you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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