Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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