Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
