Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
