it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
