I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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