I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize