zippers are such a cool invention
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
