im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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