i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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